Passionate or Compassionate: How Chinese Women Prefer to be Loved

Love — ask a hundred people for a definition and you’ll get a hundred different answers. Depending on one’s experience, pondering on the word elicits a variety of emotions, from happiness and contentment, to hurt, betrayal or jealousy.

Loving or being loved by someone allows us to feel all these emotions — the positive end much more so. None of us wants to feel hurt, despair or jealousy. This is why in relationships, most of us put in a lot of effort to make sure that it is satisfactory.

Yet, despite effort, failure is inevitable.

We express love by how we want to receive it ourselves, assuming it’s also how our partners would want to receive it. People can be this selfish. And when not discussed properly, this is one of the reasons why couples break up. Which is why it’s important to know what type of love others expect us to give.

The Love Theory

What is love? Love is air? Love is blind? Love is… love? If you’re with a Chinese woman and you’d ask her this, she will most likely equate love to marriage or commitment, as it is what they’re taught traditionally.

But to Psychologist Robert Sternberg, love is a triangle that is made up of three sides: passion, intimacy and commitment — all of which are necessary for love to exist.

Yet despite this common formula, women in general still develop different triangles with each side varying in length depending on their preferences. Some desire to receive or express love passionately, while some may prefer being more committed.

With everyone’s triangle being different, the question of “How do I successfully express my love?” becomes a problem. Because of this, it’s important that you know what love style the woman you’re seeing has, so you could be able to adjust to her needs.

But how do you define this? When love is a broad topic, and how we express it is broader in itself with its hundreds of possible ways. Well to make our (love) lives easier, Psychologist Elaine Hatfield has described two different types of love.

Passionate love

Ever felt the need to always be with her? To hold her close and never let go? Ever felt that rush of excitement whenever you’re about to see her?

This excitement or intense feeling of love is what Hatfield described as “Passionate love.” This is when you’re mostly preoccupied with thoughts of your lover. And most of the time, this love has mostly something to do with sexual attraction as its foundation — that intense longing for someone.

For a Chinese woman who prefers this type of love, affection is mostly expressed through physical intimacy. They may want you to spend more time holding her, kisses, hugs and the like are all very necessary. And the lack of such will lead her to questioning whether you are still in love with her or not.

Relationships need passion, but it isn’t enough

The negative thing about passionate love is that it can easily be mistaken with infatuation, or a short-lived interest for someone, and vice versa. Therefore, having these intense feelings over someone isn’t enough assurance that a long term relationship will happen.

But doesn’t love need passion?

It certainly does, but passion as a foundation or source of your relationship won’t hold for that long. Passion is like a burning candle. It’s hot while it burns but it dwindles and dies down. A relationship shouldn’t be dependent on passion alone.

Being overly passionate can be dangerous. Going into an intensely passionate relationship may be initially satisfying. But again, what will happen once the passion goes away? You will be left with emptiness due to the lack of genuine connection.

Or worse, you might feel the need to satisfy this need for passion outside the relationship. Sometimes, relying on these feelings alone can destabilize relationships.

Compassionate love

Compassionate love is, unfortunately, boring.

It isn’t as wild or as hot as passionate love. It is comfortable, as it involves feelings of mutual respect, trust and affection. So, yes. It is boring, but it’s, in a way, more genuine.

With this kind of relationship, she won’t feel the need to express affection as often as before, because she already has this sense of certainty that she will always have you by her side to depend on.

This might feel boring to some, as compared to a passionate relationship. But having this kind of relationship gives feelings of safety and security. Isn’t this what you should truly need in a relationship?

Relationships need to be mature

While there’s no clear definition or universal meaning to what it truly means to be “in love,” it appears to be, on some level, “the feeling of enjoyment of being with another person. The warmth or comfort of knowing that you have someone who’s going to be there beside you — that is love.

Compassionate love is exactly that. Compared to passionate love, it is more mature, more enduring and is something that can withstand the test of time. This kind of love best fits those who are looking for long term relationships.

Passion is necessary to kickstart a relationship. But in order to sustain it, a warm and comfortable kind of intimacy between couples is a better predictor of happiness in relationships.

Chinese Women’s Love Style

So, among these two love types, which one do Chinese women prefer?

Marriage and family continue to be a central element within Chinese culture, with Chinese typically assuming that they will find a partner. Generally, Chinese women are expected to marry at an earlier age, while they are still at the peak of their capacity to bear children.

Because of this, the majority of them want commitment. Most of them might prefer having that stable, comfortable relationship as opposed to having intense yet possibly a quick and temporary romance with someone.

Though, while this is the case, relationships with them shouldn’t deserve a lack of passion. Passion is still necessary for the relationship to keep going. Always remember the triangle; it will not exist without a single one of its sides missing.